i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
