I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
