Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
