Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
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