We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Randomize
