hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
