My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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