I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Randomize
