new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
