Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
