He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
