Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
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