Too much gin, very little bucket
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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