I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to sanitize my soul.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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