i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
