Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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