My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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