im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
