He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
