Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
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