if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
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