I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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