i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
