Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
