I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
