when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
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i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
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I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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