She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
This is the high leading the old right now
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
