I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Randomize
