New low: just hacked my moms facebook
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
