Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
