It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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