i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
