Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
