My room smells like vodka and shame
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
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