Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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