I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
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