it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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