She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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