Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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