Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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