Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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