dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
