too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
