I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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