New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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