This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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