i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
