i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
