I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
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