Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
