After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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