meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
