So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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