No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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