Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I love how my cats smell like pot.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Randomize
