i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
