I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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