My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I miss vodka workout Fridays
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
