just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize
