The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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