i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
How drunk are you?
Completed.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
