Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
