he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
me + whiskey = a bad person
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
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