Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
