hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
